"Chewy Get Us Out Of Here": A Novelization of My Life In Novel Form: A Novel (part 4)
though this was the day he’d dreaded for weeks out, he kept walking. one foot in front of the other. head down, the wind blew the tears from his eyes and froze them to his cheeks, he kept walking. he blew it, he redeemed it, he was redeemed. he kept walking. above him, a kite.
"Chewy Get Us Out Of Here": A Novelization of My Life In Novel Form: A Novel (part 3)
His hips were sore. His leg muscles twitched. His whole body ached from walking in the sub-zero weather. A headache loomed, and along with it, the unsettling notion that a cold was soon to follow. “Ninety days”, he thought. “Just ninety more days.” A daydream of sunshine and two-wheeled mobility filled his head, as he struggled to work loose from his tooth a Snickers peanut remnant with his tongue.
"Chewy Get Us Out Of Here": A Novelization of My Life In Novel Form: A Novel
He leaned in and kissed his rabbit gently on the forehead. “Tomorrow”, he said, “Tomorrow I live life like I mean it.” Rising, he walked over to his desk, sat down, and took another bite of cheddar-wurst.
Top Blah Blah Things I'd Like to Ban From Craigslist Posts
CL is now over a decade old, and as we swing from the ’00s’ to the ‘0’tweens’, i think it’s high time the CL abolished a few terms, scams, annoyances from its collective posters’ lexicons. why? who gives a shit, that’s why. this stuff bothers me and i want my voice heard! aaaauuuughghghgghgh, blogging!!
1. shabby chic. it’s not shabby, it’s shitty. just say so. consumers aren’t that stupid, are they? (see: zebra-striped snuggie).
alternate descriptors: ‘shitty chic’, ‘found in my attic chic’, ‘grandma just died chic’, ‘i painted this with primer and a toothbrush chic’.
2. mid-century/mid-century modern. chances are you’re trying to abuse this to make yet another piece of shit sound ‘designer’. it’s not. a wicker bar stool is not ‘mid-century’, it’s late-century pier one crap. if it doesn’t have eames, saarinen, kjaerholm, risom, or some other actual designer’s name stamped on it, it’s at best ‘mid-century inspired’. however, if it’s simply a table your deceased grandmother bought at montgomery wards in 1955, it’s an ‘old table’.
alternate descriptors: ‘old’, ‘shitty old’. ‘old and shitty’, ”once belonged to jon voight’.
3. vintage. here we come to a challenge. my father doesn’t understand the difference between classic and classical. ‘why is beethoven classical? because he’s old?’ classical is a style, classic is most commonly used as a descriptor of something fashioned in a tried and true style, or something worth remembering. basically the difference is style vs. adjective. but i digress … vintage, on the other hand, does not have the subtle spelling alteration. there is no ‘vintagal’ (though perhaps there should be). it’s a basic differentiation between something produced in a particular era, and something reproduced in the style of that era. that being said, just because the flower-patterned couch was purchased in 1977 does not mean it’s ‘vintage’ in the sense CL people use it. on CL ‘vintage’ means awesome. in fact, let’s abolish the use of vintage all-together unless it’s pertaining to port wines.
alternative descriptors: ‘old’, ‘shitty’, ‘old, shitty, and awesome’, ‘might possibly contain strains of polio in its fibers’, ‘feculent’.
4. like new. go fuck yourself. either it’s new or it is used. no couch purchased in 2007 is ‘like new’. none. ‘unused’ is a possibility, but who the eff buys a couch and doesn’t use it?
alternative descriptors: ‘used’, ‘not new’, ‘experienced’.
5. comfy. not every couch can be comfy.
alternative descriptors: ‘please buy my used couch’.
6. bough it new for___/paid___. no one gives a crap. you paid $900 for that piece of shit? and since you got suckered, you want me to be suckered into buying it off you for $500, despite the fact it’s not worth $50. it does not make me believe it’s worth more simply because you made a bad purchase.
7.ikea poang chairs. no more. coined ‘the ‘00’s answer to the papasan’ by my friend JTT. as useless as papasans, and just as attractive. donate it to a college kid and move on. the world has enough blond wood already.
8. furniture by dealer. go away dealers. you have your audience. i’m poor, that’s why i shop on CL.
9. creative spelling. ‘vynile’, ‘wrot iron’, ‘rot iron’, ‘hardy’, ‘chase’, ‘barstule’, ‘lamanat’, ‘home theator’, ‘vacume’, etc. there’s a reason the red dots run under your word. heed them.
exception: i love, LOVE the many permutations of ‘ottoman’. it makes my day to find one i’ve not seen before. and i’ve seen some pretty fucked up ‘ottamans’. ‘ottamun’, ‘ottuman’, ‘ottumun’, ‘otuhman’, ‘otaman’ … the list goes on.
i don’t have a clever way to round this out, so i’ll just say blur-blah-blerk.